you,i and love.


we know there's so much more to our relationship. every touch.every word. every breath.every day and night that we had each other. we didnt just share a relationship. we shared a pain that was never known.
we thought we would never find someone who could really love us for who we were simply, till we found each other. for the first time, we -knew-. we knew that it was okaye to be flawed and tainted.
we know what 's it like to burn inside and self debase till you hate yourself and the identity that everyone around us has grown accquainted to,
we know how we may never be able to find someone else who can recreate what we had . cos we know we will never let our guards down on anyone ever again.we -fear- of being betrayed. we fear of us falling into mindless traps again thinking that we can be / deserved to be loved.
we know we will never fall this freely and immerse ourself fully in each and every strand of our feelings in a labyrinth that we know as -love cos we can never be who we really are with anyone anymore.
we know how we may never feel as safe in someone's else's arms. at least for me. every moment in your arms was never just an atypical physical show of affection of couplehood. it was a timeless exchange of peace and promises.

It's for the first time we entrusted ourselves fully to someone else. and we know how it's irreplacable , even with the love of our family.

at least for me, i never felt more special. i had someone who was willing to commit himself to me. at last, i had someone/something that i call my own.

we -loved-. we really did.


and i know.
i can never love a man the way i do you.
i can never want to be there for anyone else as much i want for you.
i can never bear the thought of doing the things i did for you for another man.


for all the times,
that you think that i didnt love myself enough, and only to be back at your feet,
i will have you know that, loving you and being able to love you , to me , is more important anything ,including my self -esteem and my self worth.
but it's really no fun having your self esteem shredded time and time again.


for all the times,
that i associate you with my fear and insecurities so much that i withdraw myself and take flight , i am sorry.
i love you too much to bear the fact that one day you may be the one that's hurting me.
i just wanted you to be as perfect in my eyes,as always. and i? to be perfect for you too.


for all the times,
that i lost myself in clubs . i am sorry. i didnt want to know that it will be another girl that will be in your arms that night.
i was afraid of being replaced. i was afraid of been abandoned. i was afraid. i didnt want to be more alone than i already am.
i just wanted to feel needed.
but, i alsoloved you enough to also not let any other man touch and hold me the way you did.



for all the times,
that i talked to mervyn on msn, i am sorry.
i only wanted to remind him and the boys to plan something for your birthday.
i only wanted to know how you were doing.
i only wanted to feel close to you again.

for all the times,
that i am out with my friends, and they had their loved ones with them?
know how hard it is to keep a straight face and talk about what we had and what you were like ?
and how suddenly it feels weird and awkward that you only had to worry about yourself?


for all the times, that i am out with my friends, and thought that i moved on, for all the weekends with the cigarettes,coffees,movies and company ,i am sorry. sorry for even trying to forget you and all that we had. i didnt want to know you were no longer with me.


but yet, it's when those journeys home,by myself, that i know , you are still the one i need most.
cos i know you would be the only one who would able to speak to me through that silence.

but yet, it's the dark grey walls and dimly luminated room when i am home, that
i realised how alone i am in this world, how different it would be if you were right by my side.


for all the times,
that you think i was stupid and was fucking childish to delete my friendster ,and everything else. i am sorry.
know why?
cos it hurts to have mika, those girls and your camp mates/friends view my profile. to know that we are no longer a team when i know that we are so much more and that we cant and shouldnt end the way that it did.
and your shout-outs too. i hate myself for being so easily affected by every single thing/word that you will say/do .


for all the times,
that you were at work and didntt had anyone with you at night ,
do know that. i am alone. with you. too.


do you think that i dont know how much it's hurting you.
do you think that it hurts any lesser to know i was the one who betrayed someone whom i love and loved me?
do you know how it feels to read all 348 sms-es right from day 1?
do you think that i am only too self absorbed in my pain to know that i let someone down? someone who was hurting and who took a step further to entrust his life and heart with me?
if it was your ego ,that was wounded, then i cant tell you how much i wish you were the one who initiated the breakup.
do you just know how much it fucking hurts to know that you hurt someone you love. so much that you wish you never did exist.



do you know what's really burning inside?


and for all the times that i made a scene and disgraced you, i am sorry.
but do you know how helpless if feels to lose complete control of what you feel and what you know.



havent i always being/ (tried to) there for you.
havent i always forgave you when you faltered and lost the light.