okaye.
this is bad.
i am feeling pretty messed up here that i can feel myself trembling inside.
i can feel myself shrinking away.

dennis held my hand.
he pulled me into his arms in the cinema.
and i didnt push him away.i guess for a while, i felt safe. again.

i... i didnt know how to.i didnt know what to say or do. i was stumped.

i.. am not ready for anything at all. esp not now.

i... dont want to hurt anyone.

then.. i aint sure if i did the right thing.
i dont know if i did give him the wrong idea or something before.
well, there are days that we talk online for over 10hrs?
but it's different.it just is.
the feeling's different from how it was with sal.


then again, i dont know if subconciously , i am using sal as a template,benchmark or a protocol of how things shld be.
or that it's just different with dennis. or that it may even never be the same with anyone.
well, let's just say, sal and i had it really going in the beginning.

i dont know. i did msged den, telling him that we gotta take things easy and that we let it go slow and see how it goes, and that i am not ready and have some issues to deal with?
i dont know if it's too subtle for him to get what i am trying to say.
then the guilt kicks in, when he has to say somehing along the lines of he not feeling like this for anyone for the longest time and that i am like a godsent to him.

:/. this 's bad. i dont know. i dont even know if i shld just go on, and take chances and see how it goes.


i.. dont feel anything anymore. i just dont.




++++++++++++++++++++++
then. i went to aaron's friendster? guess kinda missed how he was as a bf.just a thought, that's all .

18.10.03