okaye i just typed all that in a huff and it was meant to be @reticenteden.
and this's just a backlash for what he said.
then after a while i thought through.
he just isnt worth all that outburst at all.

for one, he's too full of himself , that it's unbearable.
and i will not feed his ego no more.

two, he's too much of a ingrat , not that me paying half of his phone bills which amts to $350 is a big deal? but i realised that my intention and goodwill just wasnt appreciated. it was his birthday month and i wanted him to have more money for himself ?and i did everything simply because i cared.

three, i moved on. somehow, without even knowing and realising.
and i see no need to stoop to his level.

and if i ever did loved him after the breakup, it wasnt a love that's typical of a couple. i cant clearly define what 's it either. but it definately wasnt like before. and i could have confuse with me caring with how he 's coping with the breakup as love.
cos , deep down, that love that i used to have for him, died. died a long while back.


and i am amazed at my non chalence after the standoff last night, or at his blog.

hmm good for me.


so here goes.




told mum what happened.

mum : "you okaye?"

me : " hmm surprisingly, yes, i dont know i dont feel anything at all."

mum : " that's good, there's a difference between being answerable to your own conscience and loving somebody."

me :" ey?"

mum : " you realise how each and everytime after a breakup you will try to salvage things? it isnt because you really love that person?"

mum : "but it's because you want to feel better abt yourself, you want to answer to your own conscience , you try to make amendments, when you dont have to at all."

mum : " you stopped loving him the instant that you broke up with him cos you realised you cannot love him the way you want to anymore.that's why it even happened. correct? and that's loving yourself too , you know?"

me : " right.. i think you are right."

mum : " he's just aint right for you, you guys probably had some similaries, shared common grounds on certain things abt life. that's it. you are on your way to finding someone better.forget abt him."

me : " thank you, mum."


so yes, for christ's sake. if you are reading this. listen up. my world was ONCE ABT you. but not anymore. not from that very moment i chose to walk out of your door.

and please, GETTING BACK TOGETHER had never been an option that was on my mind, at least not till you learnt to listen with your ears and curb that self defensive mechanism that's on self destruction mode for most of the time, and of course destroying anyone that comes along your way.

and if you think me being close to your mum, was all abt getting back with you, you are gravely mistaken. and that sat, when i showed up at your place? do know i didnt want to go at all, i had rather be there on a weekday, when you arent there. it was your mum who told me it was YOu who wanted me to be there.

and yes, all the times, through whatever deemed source of medium ,whether it's blog esp. this one here or friendster, when you think that my input was abt us, or you,OR with a hidden agenda of trying to insinuate anything. please do not be mistaken. they seriously werent. maybe a couple of them are abt you? but do know that they were simply nostalgia, with absolute no intentions of a future .


if there's anything that you taught me well, it wld be " i dont need what you are not willing to give."


and as far as i am concerned, i need to account to noone esp you abt how my life is holding up.
but you may want to know that, you aint the only one that moved on . like you, i was already tidying up everything else, just that i took it in my stride that you were /could still be a friend. my mum was right. there IS a difference. between love and holding on for conscience's sake. i loved you once , but subsequently , i only cared. and now i wont anymore. cos you aint worth the time.


oh please, do keep up with all your pain and angst . and save the naivety bullshit too. know what?

cos at least, my world will never be as dark and superficial as yours.
cos at least i have never and will never be too self absorbed in my own pain and angst to see the world and people around me. and fyi ,you being too caught up and self absorbed in your own pain and angst doesnt save the world too .
cos at least, i am not afraid to fall and am not afraid to trust .

for once, maybe you should stop putting yourself so high up on the pedestal or think so highly of yourself? where everyone and everythin revolves around you? it has never been that way and it never will be.



and with that.
my chapter with you ends.for good.