flagellation.




dont say 'sorry' for never appreciating me enough. cos you will never start.

dont say 'i blow things up' .cos you will never know why.

dont say that you dont 'play' such games. cos i loved you enough to never put you ever in such a position.it's funny how you can be rightfully sad when you dont get enough attention from me and when i feel the same, i will be persecuted like a sinner.

dont say that i 'play' games. cos you have never once looked inward into that being of yours, who's always assertive and assuming that you know my needs. cos you never did/never did bother.

dont say that noone ever did mentioned about who's dependant and who's not. cos for all the things that i did, was just for you to know that i had be your safety net anytime, and that i am someone that you can depend on. it's tiring to try so hard , so i can self delude that likewise i can depend on you and perhaps there will be a day where you will want to be my safety net for all the times that i may falter.

dont say that it's always about 'me' and me being in my perpetual self-pitying mode. cos let me tell you. you aint the only one who deserves to be pampered and be loved during the weekends by your mum and everyone that cared. No one , not even my dad, chatise and berate me the way that you do after claiming that they love me. no one. i just cant tell you how much i regret forgoing my time with my mum every weekend to face the same shite from you again and again.


dont ask why i never did tell you these things. cos it wouldnt matter when i would be the one who's taking it all back in.
it's either me feeling miserable deep inside or me telling you all these but to only have you belittle each and every strand of thoughts and emotions and give me all that ' i dont understand you' or ' you will never get it.' crap.

and wouldnt it be predictable that after everything i would be the one saying 'sorry'? for all the things that i feel.

it's silly how i thought that one week together have brought us so much closer. i was nothing but just a maid to you , to pack up your room, to always attend to your needs, to always on a stand by for you .to only wait like a stupid fool for you to be done so we can spend some quality time. but it never comes. yes, im a just a 'toy' that you will conveniently put aside when you are bored .



"I don't want you to fear. Especially not with me."

" ... to treat you always right - your body, heart and mind as his shrines of worship in tribute to both inner and outer beauty,yet to be always ready with his bare hands as blades to defend you against anyone who would dare take you for anything less? to always love you , not forgetting the slightest whistper, the greatest lov and to know just how delicate to hold you , and to know your needs in the blink of one's eye."


take them back.
you can never protect me from you.



thank you.
thank you for taking away my self worth time and time again.
thank you for taking away my most basal ability to discern what's right and what's wrong.
thank you for making me hate myself for every single emotion that i feel.
thank you that i no longer know how to love myself and only to be at your whim.



and by the time you realised everything, i would have already been gone. like now.

and i will fuss no more.