demarcations.



these days, i just seem to find myself running away. Running away to indulge in a self perpetuating process of online/offline retail therapy. it almost seems as if i was in that vicious cycle of superficiality where you can just fill up those pockets of insecurities, and loneliness with dollops and dollops of money. The only catch is, it's like a incurable disease or the sorts, whereyou dont know the remedy and there are only painkillers to ease the pain. But, with time, you still bleed to death.

the issue here isnt much of me seeking solace in this, but is perhaps how i no longer know how to make myself happy and that retail therapy only numbs all the pain temporarily by innocuously convincing me that i will be happy after buying this, this and this.it's perhaps just a quick fix. how pathetic isnt it. even i am cringing in disgust.


i guess i havent been in the best of moods. theboy and i are going through a extremely rough patch. he isnt having it easy inside. i no longer know how to make a bf happy. gun's facing loads of shite herself. mum's health has been on a yo-yo. it's just been tough putting on that facade of a happy younger daughter and sister when the folks are back each evening. i shudder to even imagine how they will worry and let all paranoia and their emotions over-rule the rational mind to protect me, to prevent history from repeating and to readily discredit everything with shadows of aaron and the past. Then, the pains are back too.

i am not unhappy because i know i am more than blessed to not be bogged down by anything and to still be loved by people who cares.
but
neither am i happy.

and increasingly,i think i no longer know what it's like to be happy and i miss it.



it hurts right through to the bones.